Thank you for your reply. I’ve never spoken about this to anyone other than my partner who also has had/sometimes still does, struggle with the same thing.
I had never touched anything other than alcohol until 6 (ish) years ago when at 27years old, with my partner, we started to dabble just recreational, very few & far between nights, only really on a hotel night away &/or at most a ‘proper out out night’. We went through a tough temporary separation (he cheated, but not as black & white as that, but would take too long to explain that) 2 years ago which we are now great & have worked at repairing that a lot , but I think that’s when unintentionally I had the ‘f**k it mentally’ of why not, along with a mental struggle due to my mum going through several cancer diagnosis, treatments, surgeries etc. I had a bit of a breakdown & although so much of the above mentioned is far better… it’s just become such a normal set habit/routine but I do not want to be this person!!X