It sounds like we have very similar situations in length of time it has been a secret form us and our husbands ages. It’s reassuring actually to hear that he too is selfish like mine – I was worried it was something separate to the drugs (which of course it is because it too came first) but as in it explains the personality. Sorry if that is offensive to anyone but it makes me think it is way more than just the cocaine he needs help with.
I thought my husband was in the same place – realising that he has messed everything up and wanting a fresh start. But he still blames me – and I am not perfect I’ve gone through a lot separately during this time in having our children (we struggled to conceive and I had a awful pregnancy and birth – dealt with newborn babies hundreds of miles from any support network then a pandemic) and he tells me I was difficult to live with. I’ve had my own counselling for this. I’m sure I was but a husband should support / talk not go in his man cave to ‘escape’ through taking cocaine. It become increasingly more frustrating between us because I could see his responsibilities being neglected and me left carrying a lot of the can and starting to resent him whilst being told he was working hard to support us so leaving me feeling very guilty. I put on hold a good career to have our family so I was vulnerable in a lot of ways because it was the first time I have ever had to rely on anyone financially.
It’s all manipulation.
I find it extremely hurtful when I do speak to him when he wants to see the kids virtually because I am completely irrelevant to him. I think it’s because I pull him up on his behaviour and the truth hurts. He is a terrible father his children don’t know him nor does he know them what they can do say favourite things etc. Yet I think he thinks checking in briefly makes up for him completely abandoning all his responsibilities to us. He hasn’t proved he is clean nor has he proved he is doing any sort of programme and i feat because he is not answerable to anyone but himself right now the drug use won’t or hasn’t stopped.
It is so so tough but I also think he is too far down the road.
I didn’t think stan4 you were making an excuse – the opposite it validates that he is what he denies he is