I’m so sorry to read this. I hope you are ok. Thank you for sharing your story, I know how you feel in terms of the addiction, lack of emotion, the not letting go.
I only found out a few months ago my husband of only 4 years has been addicted to cocaine (every other day use) for at least the last two years of our marriage. It was a massive shock. We had a good life – good careers etc – on the outside we wanted for nothing. But inside it was miserable and I had no idea why. I put it down to becoming first time parents in a pandemic and him really struggling with the adjustment of fatherhood.
His unusual behaviour was noted – coinciding with me getting pregnant with our twins who i have also basically raised single handedly and am doing now as a single parent completely (they aren’t even 2).
He too goes days without checking in or asking about them. Even cut them off financially. That is hurtful in itself. Then he rings up / wants to see them, completely un- remorseful about anything.
It’s text book behaviour isn’t it. We cling to hope that one day they will phone up and be remorseful (and mean it) and want the life / person back that they were and the life we should be living.
We ask ourselves if we have been delusional- if our lives were ever even real. And we hide from friends because we are embarrassed to say what is really going on and why our marriages and father of our children are not in the pictures/ stepping up to responsibilities . It’s devastating.
I have started divorcing my husband and it’s the hardest most gut renvhing thing. I’ve wavered a few times on proceeding with it hugely.
I’ve offered a way back but he doesn’t see it. He just sees me as the the enemy. Sometimes I think I won’t find better or happiness. I get angry that this isn’t a common thing surely for people to go through. Affairs maybe?! Growing apart maybe? Being robbed a life by drugs – I don’t know many people I can relate to on that one. Being told over they don’t love you or like you and it’s your behaviour driving them to use, then occasional (rarely) being sent flowers and being told a divorce is hasty.
There are up and down days. I try to remember on the down days the hurt (in my case emotional and even physical once) and the person that is no more.
I too find days of calm when I don’t hear from him as awful as it sounds and I am slowly starting to prefer these days. My children get the best of me and it’s what they deserve.
He doesn’t understand my upset or anger or hurt, or even respect the job that I’m doing with his children – because without being rude he is basically incapable (the fact he doesn’t check in on them at an age where they require 24:7 care proves that). Just sees me as a nag. Tells me I shouldn’t have had children if I find some days particularly hard. It’s a shocking attitude and a selfish one.
I can’t say ive proof my husband cheated but I have a gut that he did. And as heartbreaking as it was to have this feeling (before I knew about the drugs) now I feel at peace with it. Because I am not the person he is – I have never used drugs and point blank would not use drugs and if he prefers the company of someone who does then so be it. And if they aren’t drug users themselves then they will only be getting manipulated and hurt in the same way as me. Not until they are ‘recovered’ will a relationship be for them what it was for us in the beginning. We can however go on (as hurtful as it feels to think) to make new meaningful ones. Which is what I hope one day I may do when I’ve healed a little and got more time/ not in lock down!
It’s not easy but know there are us here who completely 100% get it.
It’s like they read a textbook of how to behave. Xxx