Hi Kellsbells, thanks for your response and I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. I can relate completely to your experiences and the way it makes you feel. There are some days I can’t even bare to look at him or be around him (mostly when I know he’s been drinking) and I’ll just slope off upstairs to get away from him. And then I sit in the bedroom watching TV thinking, ‘this is my house as well, and I’m sat in my bedroom?!’ And it just shines a spotlight every time on how dysfunctional our whole relationship actually is.
I was just saying on another post about that fear of what he would do if we ended. I am so terrified of that, but I am also trying to tell myself that I am not responsible for his behaviour, his actions. With my partner, he is not fully dependent and he does not drink every single day, so he does have some time spent sober, where he can think and make decisions for himself. So I will not take responsibility for his actions and I shouldn’t because he is his own person and that would never be fair on me.
I genuinely feel I have done everything I can to be there for him. I am not saying I’m perfect or I’ve always gone about it the right way, but I have tried my best to learn. I’ve called helplines and use this forum, and I’ve done lots of reading and research about addiction and childhood trauma to try and understand what he might be going through, as well as learn different ways to approach him and support him. Maybe I’m not doing it right or something I don’t know, but I can honestly say I have tried my best. The sad thing for me is I don’t think he really sees the extent I’ve tried to help him and he still can’t seem to change or accept help.
At this moment in time (4:30am on Good Friday – woke up at 2 to find he’s fallen asleep downstairs with bread in the oven, luckily turned itself off but the bread is a black lump!) I think we’d both be happier and better off apart. But, I just can’t seem to bring myself to make the words come out of my mouth and I don’t know why?! Maybe I’ll get some courage soon to take the step I don’t know…time will tell I suppose.
I hope you’re ok, look after yourself and keep talking on the forum, I hope it helps in some way x