Hi Danman83,
First of all, AMAZING on your 101 days, what a fantastic achievement you should be so proud!
And secondly, thank you so much for sharing this from your perspective, having experienced addiction. I massively value your input and I’ve spoken to others who’ve been through addiction to try and get an understanding of what it’s like from the other side.
I do believe addiction is an illness and the example you’ve given there is spot on. There are many people out there who would put a drink down and say ‘I’ve had enough’ or do the same with drugs, whereas some people don’t or ultimately can’t.
Looking at addiction from the outside, for me, it seemed much easier to say that, much more clear cut. Now that I am living with an alcoholic, someone who I love and who loves me, it changed my outlook completely – not that I changed my mind about it being an illness but it gave me the insight into what the reality is like for someone with an addiction. As well as that it invited many, many more complex thoughts and emotions for me that I’d never expected.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve learned a massive lesson in that you can never really have a clear cut picture of what it’s like until you live it, nor can you ever truly understand what it’s like for that person if you’ve never experienced it, no matter how much research you do or how many questions you ask. Part of it for me is almost wishing and willing my partner to believe it’s ‘easy’ or at least easier than he might think to get help, purely out or desperation and terror of what could happen to him and dreading it. Part of it is also I think me being frustrated with him or dismissive because I don’t want to believe this illness is controlling him, I want so much more than anything to somehow give him power over it. But I am also really trying to work through my own stuff, because the way I feel about it and react to him isn’t just about him, it’s also massively about me and all of my own stuff and the person I am. That’s a part of my struggle and battle just as much as his behaviour and what he does or doesn’t do about it. It’s almost like (and this is me being REAL honest) if was to leave him, it would be easier not to hate myself for leaving him if I ‘believe’ he chose to treat me like this rather than him not being able to control the illness or those choices. And that’s all because of who I am, the kind of person I am and how much I would hate myself and feel guilty for the rest of my life if I left him when he’s going through this illness.
I feel like that makes me sound like the most horrible awful person in the world but that’s the truth, and hence why every day is a dilemma and mental battle.