Thanks for that recommendation that’s really interesting and I will have a look! And you know I’ve never really properly looked into the AA steps and some of those you’ve mentioned sound really useful. I can’t pretend to understand everything my boyfriend has been through but what I know and how he’s spoken about things, I know he despises his dad. His mum passed away when he was 11 and after that his dad became alcohol dependent and neglected him until he left at 16 to live with his older brother who helped him get a job and have a proper life. His dad moved them around a lot because of debts and would leave them alone at home for days with no money or food. I can understand why he would hate him so much, but I don’t think it’s something he has ever tried to face and deal with, I don’t think he ever could. His dad died when he was 24 and he says he went to his funeral just to make sure he was really dead. It’s horrible to say it so bluntly like that but after the hell his dad put him through, I don’t blame him. It’s part of the reason he was so endearing to me, when I met him and he told me all the terrible things in his life, not like I wanted to look after him but just the courage and strength he’s shown throughout his life after all that, how he worked his way up into a good job and had his kids I just admired that so much and still do. I think thats why i feel so strongly that I know he can get through anything, I don’t want this to be the thing that defeats him but maybe it is about him facing up to those resentments as you say and forgiving those people but I don’t know if he will ever be able to.
You are right it doesn’t sound that much and when I think back to last year it’s so much better. I worry because I know it could go back to that so quickly, he could drink 10 cans tomorrow and I’d be so worried. He doesn’t drink spirits, I don’t think he ever has in the time I’ve known him, it’s always lager. He will drink wine if it’s there. But like you say, it’s the way he slopes off and does it, and the fact he’s in public like not even in a pub (obviously no choice at the minute with pubs shut!) I’ve said to him loads, please don’t drink when you’re out, just drink at home it’s ok, I won’t nag or moan (and I won’t) if he was just doing it safely at home and obviously then it’s easier for me to keep an eye on it. But he just won’t and I think that’s my fault, because I’ve made too much of a big deal out of it.
I just wish he could see I just care about him and love him so much, I just want him to have the life he deserves after all the crap he’s put up with and I want to be there with him doing that. I don’t want him to throw it all away when I know he’s strong enough to do it. I just never know day by day how to deal with it, whether to keep trying to talk to him, or just step back and let him figure it out.
I’m sorry to hear your partner isn’t as supportive as you would like. I know what you mean about her having had enough, as you said I don’t know the full story and wouldn’t want to assume, but you’re together, you are doing what you need to do and she seems to be cooperating about her friends and things and that’s really positive.
I just think everything you’re doing sounds amazing and if it works for you that’s all that matters. It takes such determination and commitment which isn’t always easy and you’re there doing it! Keep going!