Hi @lookingforhope I hope you’re okay and I’m sorry you’re having a tough time at the moment. The guy above Dan is probably the most helpful person on here and has helped so many people on here already so I’m sure a conversation with him will go a long way but I just wanted to comment because there’s alot of similarities to what I went / am going through. Without going too far in to me. I was not long ago in the same position as your partner. My daughter is now 4 months old and up until recently I had been using cocaine at least 4 times a week for as long as I can remember.
But here’s the important part. It started for me the same as most young lads at the weekend and only a little but then my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She passed away about a year later from being diagnosed and then 3days prior to the 1st anniversary of her passing my dad passed away too. I was 26 when my mum passed and 27 when my dad did.
Cocaine has the ability to make you numb. Absolutely emotionless. And I know now through being honest with myself and some counselling that a big part of my using cocaine (of course there was an element of selfishness) was to do with blocking out any greif I may of felt losing my parents. I would feel the natural pain of bereavement but then all of a sudden as soon as I did a line I wouldn’t feel sad anymore. The chemical attributes of the drug literally rewire your brain to block all of that out. The problem was is that it always ran out and then like Dan said those feelings come back 10fold and also with the guilt and come down that anyone who does drugs experiences.
You say you never noticed or had any idea, to me that makes me think that it’s because instead of expressing the signs you’d expect from him like depression etc he may of seemed absolutely fine. That could possibly of been because the cocaine wasnt giving him so much of a high like you see in the films where he would be bouncing off the walls. But because he was so low it simply brought him back up to a “normal” level.
The problem is regardless of the reason you use it. It will eventually grip anyone no matter who you are and he may of found that even when he may of wanted to stop the addiction had set in and for many people it becomes an endless cycle of having to feed the addiction due to the psychological torture whilst also trying to keep the secret from loved ones and also maintain his level of normal life like work and healthy relationships etc.
I can’t put words in his mouth but as a man he may of found it easier to not show weekness and depend on you when he was grieving and instead used this artificial happiness just to get through the days.
Again you mentioned you have a young family, the feeling of needing to provide and “be a man” would be more important to him when having a child than ever and opening up and putting the heartache and stress of his addiction on you at the time of having a family would have not of been an option. I can only imagine he isn’t happy about his use and wouldn’t be proud of it so would want to keep it from you as best he can.
That in turn creates an endless cycle of him tying to keep you as his partner happy and unaware, while also trying to deal with the issues of addiction such as finding the money without it being noticed. Doing it and not being caught and everything else whilst still trying to hold on to the part of him that is the man you clearly love.
I’m more trying to hopefully tell you things that he may want to say but wouldn’t be able to as everything I just said is things I wish I told my partner years ago.
I think the ultimate cure for addiction is love. And if you can I’d say please try to understand as much as you can. I’m not saying he hasn’t done things that are wrong that will upset you but please know that every person who is addicted to anything is still the person they was deep down.
I hope that he can find strength and get back to a place where you’re both happy and free of this stuff. But please know that the more comfortable it is for him to be honest the most chances are he may break free.
There’s plenty of good people on this forum who sit at all angles regarding drugs so I’m sure many more people will reach out. This comment is only from my point of view other people who are partners of users like yourself may be abke to advise from another angle.
I wish you both all the best and I hope you can work through it together x