David, I see exactly where you’re coming from, I can totally empathise with you.
What do you mean by lost, why are you lost? Do you mean you lack direction? Most days I wish I knew the future, if that’s what you mean.
Unless you have 2 heads and are green, I’m sure you don’t look as weird as you think you do. I expect you don’t walk around with a giant paper bag over yourself, I expect you have nothing to hide to the world. If you live with what nature gave you, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. Personally, I used to have massive self esteem issues, I suffered an eating disorder because of it, I didn’t think I was ever good enough. Turns out, I am. Turns out it was all in my own mind.
What is unattractive is ‘using’ until your eyes are sunken, your skin is dull and patchy, your nails are brown, your teeth black and missing to the point where you’re down to mostly gaps and sharp stumps. Nature doesn’t do that. Narcotics does. There’s a lot very right and attractive about being natural. Style and pride in your own appearance is different, personal hygiene for example, also, different. Again, something some addicts take for granted!
That’s why I’ve never introduced my bf to anyone other than work colleagues. My family and friends will see only what they’ll see, they won’t see his intelligence, his protective instincts over me.
All that kind of counts for nothing now though, he knows I’m not as tolerant as I used to be, he’s starting to not care what I have to say on any subject, tells me any question I ask is giving him negativity, and has told me more often than not he’d rather I didn’t even speak. All the love in the world only goes so far as to patch over things like that. What makes it worse is that I am soooo delicate with everything when it comes to him. I’m walking on eggshells, you can’t tell me that isn’t the drugs. I don’t see what else it could be.