Yeah it has been a weird time having my baby with all this going on, ive been on cloud 9 then depressed and my anxiety hit a all time high the day after I came home with the baby, everything hit me I think as I didn’t let it really hit me hard when I was pregnant as he was disappearing then and my anxiety was bad they say the more anxiety you have in pregnancy the worse it will hit you after. It got so bad I had an ambulance called to my house to check me over I was convinced something was really wrong with me he was there but left before they come said let me know he said to me it was me doing it and was my anxiety ive since told him that it was him that caused all that because of all the shit before she was born. We didn’t even spend baby’s first night together like we did with our boys and live together it was me my mum and my the 4 children while he took the boys or popped up occasionally to see the baby. She’s our first daughter we have wanted an wished for her for so long so when things didn’t turn out how I thought they would be having her it took a long time to process & accept it. I have to ignore him they don’t see any issue ignoring us when it suits them I don’t have anything more to say or give and I think it will give him the motivation he needs it worked before he hit rock bottom but kidded himself that he could stop when he can’t he wants to try and said he wants to come back home one day but I can’t have all the worry in the meantime and let downs I will be there or the kids will when he’s clean and sorted if he ever does he has so much debt too we have a car on finance that’s parked outside my house as it’s in he’s mums address he hasn’t paid one payment on he’s really messed up it’s he problem now I love him but don’t like him and wouldn’t accept this behaviour from anyone and just because we have kids shouldn’t mean I have to either. That’s good he sees them regularly and that he says he’s ill even though he’s not at least he’s gives some excuse doesn’t make it any better I know. That’s the right thing to do be there when he gets the help but until then you do you & kids the more we care love and be there for them it adds fuel to the addiction. It’s so hard accessing help as face to face meetings are closed due to COVID it’s all zoom meetings my partner joined the ca uk one said all they spoke about was god and he said it didn’t help I was gutted I think he only did it to look good to me really. He won’t go to a gp either it’s so sad but ive got to cut ties now and hope he finally kicks it. It’s crazy how it grips them when they have everything going for them we had such a good relationship and life together before all this it’s sad really but my reality I can’t hold on to the past hurts too much. Everyday he’s not here I’m getting stronger so can see that it was him making me feel mentally mentally ill and that’s what it does to you and they don’t even realise how it affects us they never will.
