well I guess I’m probably being a bit hard on myself there,
I wouldn’t have really been a horrible person before,
I think it’s more that the relationship made me grow up a lot, and also think about others and the effects of things a lot more than I and probably most people normally would.
I am a caring and very passionate person about the things and people I care about, so I guess it was only natural that through loving her I would of course want nothing more than to look after her and try to make her happy.
But some of this could also be through my fear of the bad times, so by always trying to keep everything good was maybe me trying to avoid her having any reason to go mental with extreme mood swings etc.
But the list is quite endless of the things all of us partners do for them that is unappreciated, and I’m sure all of us could write a book on all the shitty and selfish things they have done to us in return, all the special occasions ruined for one reason or another etc.
In fact, it always seemed to me like she would want to do nice things but it was almost like the pressure on herself to do so would cause her to mess it all up.
I think her thinking will be massively confused due to drugs,
and a lot of it is hating herself,
so one minute she probably believes she has treated me bad and doesn’t deserve me, so therefore thinks she is doing the right thing by letting me go,
then another her more into the drugs will be convincing herself that I was somehow the enemy,
and then occasionally there might be the 3rd her, that is thinking positive and wants to sort herself out and stop taking drugs and would want to fix things, unfortunately the other two personas have a greater influence, and all 3 can chop and change all too fast.
as for acting a bitch to him, perhaps it would help him see what he might lose,
but in my case I feel that by calling her bluff on that, it has only proved her love for drugs was stronger than her love for me.
I had already decided I would no longer pick up the pieces and do so much for them all before we split, but never really got a chance to see how that would have panned out, but perhaps she wouldn’t have cared so much for me if I stopped doing all the things I did to make her life easy. also I feel by helping so much it was enabling her, it was helping her pretend things were fine etc, perhaps now they live in chaos again the kids might realise that there is actually a problem and therefore want to actually support their mum to get better rather than encouraging her to get worse.
anyway I treated myself to a nice day out yesterday to do something I wanted to do a few years ago on holiday with girlfriend and the kids, so I drove myself to the lake district and climbed helvellyn on my own.
It was a very nice sunny day for it, so now I have a sunburnt face ha.