I’m so sorry you are going through this and I relate hugely. I too have had from my husband for the past two years hatred and blame and that I am the problem – saying he wants a divorce, asking me to leave etc. The thing is until a few months ago I didn’t know it was cocaine. I was relieved and he said he wanted his family back. There was an answer and it wasn’t an affair – as I knew something was off – but never ever imagined drugs.
He has since got worse. Rarely says anything remorseful. We live separately hundreds of miles away and I started a divorce process.
I feel bad reading the other posters comments here from a view of an addict, because I did call him out on his behaviour and I have told some members of his family – in defense of myself (ive been accused of trying to swindle him) and also in hope they would get him support and help. I have been angry frustrated and totally let down by him.
I can’t be the one taking the brunt of this addiction- which I have been – believing it was me who was the problem. We have two very very young children and he hid this huge problem from me and done it in our family home, and then supervised his children – unknowningly to me.
It’s unforgivable.
The arguments between us got so intense to the point of physical- I’d get frustrated at the nasty name calling which was totally unjust and I truly believed I was a problem. His family think I was the problem. But I was on to him and his behaviour and when I decided to leave (before I even knew it was drugs) he must have become desperate. I cottoned on to the drugs as a possibility by accident- he took money from my purse – I don’t work and he is a high earner – this was after a huge fight, which I came off physically injured. Someone close to me suggested drugs, I did the research and and put two and two together.
I was right – and he eventually admitted after of course denying it and making me out to be crazy but I was right because via my research their behaviour is text book but I didn’t know that about drugs.
I feel for you. Because when I found out I was relieved and would I have supported him, yes. But I think I was naive. I needed proof and commitment to his recovery which he hasn’t been forthcoming with and actually his hatred to me had become worse. I am devastated that our children now don’t have a father – he isn’t willing to put them first to recover and that is truly devastating.
I do look at myself and wonder if I had reacted differently or been kinder would it have mattered. But he isn’t in a place to help himself and I’ve played nice, not nice, impartial and nothing makes a difference. There is no ration and reason and for us we take all of the emotional brunt and blame – even to their families and friends. I just couldn’t and can’t do it anymore for the sake of the children.