Well that sounds good, about the hotel stay and the walks, glad you’re keeping it up.
I can understand the anger. It’s all too easy to pick apart and evaluate every memory, I do that sometimes, it’s easy to think of all that time you felt you may have wasted. I’m sure there are positives for you in all of that, I’m sure there’s things you’ve learnt about yourself, I hope you can find some positives in it.
What will you do beyond the walks, are you thinking about what you might like your future to look like, for you?
I am glad to hear she hasn’t been in touch, I think you’re a bit like me in that it’s all too easy to not give up, not to not go back, as though there’s always more than can be done, way beyond the commitment most people would give. That’s what I’m questioning about myself at the moment. I’ve dealt with the anger, considered how much of my life I may have wasted, if I have regrets. Ultimately, I don’t, but at the same time, things cannot continue as they are.
His crack use has been super high.
It’s my birthday in a few days, thankfully not a big one, but my bf hasn’t even spoken about it. I’ve briefly mentioned what I’d like to do, he hasn’t wanted to talk about it, which I think is a reflection on just how self absorbed he is right now. He told me to get my things and leave multiple times this week, called me every name, locked me in the house, shouted through the roof, I’m surprised no one called the police. I’m glad they didn’t. I just stayed calm, it doesn’t penetrate me anymore. He wouldn’t be physically violent and what he thinks is inflicting mental suffering on me, just isn’t. When I actually did get my stuff and I did leave, like he told me to, he couldn’t bare it, ordered me to come back. That happened 3 times! Tried to even tell me first that if I go, i can’t come back. Like that actually bothers me anymore.