One thing I have learned is that the addict will always push the blame for everything onto you / someone else. My wife would not take any accountability for any of the disgusting things she has done, and it was always somebody elses fault.
It is such a difficult balance as you really want to explode at everything they are putting you through, but doing that (and I have on many occasions) just makes it worse, I then learned to just bite my lip and let it pass naturally.
I use some techniques for anxiety and depression to help as the feelings we feel are allowed, and they need a way out, but learning to deal with it properly has helped me rather than allowing it to manifest as anger / hatred.
The; patterns; as you call them that your husband has found are just something he has created in his head to try to justify what he is putting you through, my wife did/does the exact same thing. If i dare to mention her cocaine and alcohol abuse, she immediately deflects and throws some comment out about me cheating with numerous colleagues who have worked for me in the past, some 10 years ago! At first I would bite, now I smile and let it pass and i found that they have no response as they rely on the conflict to again, justify what they are doing. When you don’t give them it, they immediately go on the back foot and have nothing more to say, as we are the ones carrying all the stresses of keeping a family alive with all these difficulties.
Hope that helps. Keep strong.