It was decades ago, and I suspected several – no, many times that he might be cheating. But, then I would immediately not believe it when thinking about the man that I knew and loved. That man wouldn’t cheat on me. The man on the cocaine married to me would and did cheat. I didn’t know about the coke and didn’t believe he would cheat. The cheating I just found out about last year.
This freak show went on for about 5 years. Today knowing what I now, I have all these emotions. I feel weirded out by all this. This man that I love. He is embarrassed by his behavior all those years ago – the coke years. I’m still processing this. He quit the coke, that’s what we both wanted. We are blessed. I have to forgive and put it behind us if there is any chance for happiness. As I continue to wonder where he was all those hours and days during the coke years. Where do our loved ones go when they disappear and leave us to go on their drug binge? When I ask he gets this look on face that he is also weirded out. He doesn’t want to look at it. Look at what? What happened? When will I know the rest?