That article – I’ve read it before but I re read it and it just becomes more and more relatable and true.
It’s great that it is bang on the experience with the addicted. I wish I could approachthe view to my husband with all these points in mind. It sounds like the person who wrote it has someone close in their life that they knew had an addiction. When that addiction is concealed (and for me I now question if it’s a ‘double life’ my husband always led) and they are your spouse – the manipulation etc is so entwined in your relationship (unknowingly) that I want to say I will be here, I have loved you and I will love you – but I can’t. The treatment towards me has been abusive in nature. And that is where is becomes difficult to know if they are rationally knowing this or if it’s the drugs. My family who know about it all believe it’s his personality and it’s been concealed, the drugs are almost irrelevant because it was a choice which was bad in itself. I felt torn between what my husband says (which usually turns out to be manipulating) and they seeing it as plain as day before it happens and they know nothing on addiction. Because with him there is lie upon lie upon lie. Nothing can be trusted. Things are said and denied being said or known about. It’s a web and we are caught in the middle and the addicted weaves in and out of it coming and going as they please.
For me I also have two young children to think about. And now I’m out of the situation it’s as plain as day what was going on but every time I questioned behaviour I was made to feel guilty or that I was the one with the problems. Yet I still sometimes want to see the best when he acts ‘normal’ (to be manipulated once again – as in he turns nasty after a while – not as in I take him back or anything)
I have no idea how much my husband has spent on this habit as he justifies his money as his own. He acts like a spoilt child, not seeing us as his family (his responsibility!) and me and him as individuals as like our marriage and life never mattered – he paid for x y and z because he is the bigger earner etc so therefore I and his children?!? get the scraps. Surely this is not the effects of drugs!?! I have had to protect us because I don’t know what he has done or what he is capable of and this is why it had to end.
So so sad because I would have liked nothing more than to see him get better and yes I was mortified about the cocaine but I would have honoured my marriage if he got the right help and made the right changes and worked back to ‘us’ if that was ever even real. Unfortunately it only continues to get worse…