Hey. I’m the girlfriend in this situation.
It sounds like you’ve got a lot of insight into the problem and are engaging in self-reflection.
Alcohol is a common trigger for cravings, and cravings lead to seeking out drugs, then consuming them. Avoiding triggers and knowing how to manage them is a key element of recovery.
The shame you feel about your drug use affecting your partner can either become the key that unlocks a wonderful, drug-free future for both of you – or the excuse for using and the thing that destroys both of you. What I mean by this is that some addicts react to shame by thinking “well f*** it, I’m worthless anyway” or “well f*** it, the relationship is over anyway” etc. and then go on to use. Drugs can hijack your brain like that. The key is to accept that you feel ashamed, be honest with your partner and work with her to ensure you move on from this dark patch in your life.. to something much more meaningful.
I don’t know how old you are, but assume 20s/30s. Do you want to be getting on it at 40, hanging out with your worst coke using “mates” in a dingy flat somewhere, listening to the birds singing and watching the sun glare at you through the curtains while you wipe your finger over the coffee table and rub the last dregs into your gums? Or do you want to be sound asleep in bed with your a wife who loves you, knowing that your kids are safe, happy and well cared for in their beds next door to you.
I’ve done coke in the past and I moved on with my life. My boyfriend and his mates didn’t. Go to Narcotics Anonymous and listen the experienced addicts describe their lives now vs. then.
You have the power to give up alcohol, if that’s what you need to do to give up coke. You can turn this around. But if you don’t do it now, eventually you won’t be able to, and if she doesn’t leave you, she will resent you for breaking her heart every time you turn your phone off and stumble in at 8am, every time you spend the bills money on coke, every time you beg for another chance.