Hi Liberty,
happy birthday
hope it went ok if you’ve already had it.
I had a good time in the lake district, was lucky the weather was nice tuesday and wednesday so i climbed mountains those days and then thursday and friday being bad rain didn’t matter so much.
I’ve had a call from work today asking me back, so as of tomorrow i’ll be back at work full time I think, not sure if this will help or make me feel worse to be honest.
might be a good distraction.
I keep emotionally moving between various points, like some days I am distracted enough that i’m almost ok, but then other days like the last few days I’m back having bad dreams about everything and then spending my days torturing myself going over it all.
It just seems like the more time that passes the worse I feel, like I can’t believe she has done this to me and still hasn’t seen sense and made contact.
I keep expecting to hear something that will upset me more too like if she starts seeing someone else etc.
I honestly thought I was the luckiest guy on earth, that I had found true love, I was in no way settling for someone I didn’t love, and both of us always acted like we were so glad to have found each other as it felt like there was no one else in the world that could be so right, but now all of this just feels like lies, I meant everything and my commitment was honest, but now I start thinking was she just a sociopath, mirroring how I was and feeding me what I needed to hear etc, in which case its all just bullshit, and that just makes me hate everything more, to think someone could behave like that, but it feels like it because she has done nothing to repair everything that she has broken, so it’s like I clearly didn’t mean much to her and our whole relationship was held together and created from my input and my input alone.
essentially I believe life is better with someone to share it with, and you should want to make each others lives as good as possible, and I can honestly say I spent the last 7 years doing that for her, whilst taking a lot of shit in the process, so I just cannot believe she would throw me away like this like I never meant a thing.
Love should be enough, but against drugs love doesn’t count for shit.