Hi Louisa,
Sorry to read what you’re currently going through, it really is a evil drug, like most drugs the outcome are never good.
I have a friend, I’ve known them for several years, been on a more personal level for nearly 2 years.
At first I wanted a relationship with him, he’s a really nice guy when he’s not using, but I know now I don’t want that anymore. I do want to be his friend, my biggest wish is one day he will tell me he’s drug free. It’s the constant worry of what will happen when he uses.
Over the last year he’s use was spiraling out of control, he’s now using less and according to him he’s better. He’s not.
He uses for up to 18 hours at a time, he says and does some pretty nasty things when using, but I’ve learnt recently not to enable him. Basically he would message when using being perversed, at the start I would engage in flirtatious banter, but I know that’s feeding into his addiction. I borrowed him money on a couple of occasions, but told him I will not do that whilst he’s using as that’s directly/indirectly enabling him.
I know he feels embarrassed, shamed and guilty about the things he says and does, but I won’t tolerate it and will call him out on his behaviour, however that then feels like I’m pushing him away and I’m scared of not knowing what will happen to him.
It’s so easy for people to say ignore and block him, but what happens when he hits rock bottom, if he overdoses, atleast he knows I would be there if the worst was to happen.
It’s hard to let go, but something deep inside keeps telling me walk away.
I’ve learnt to not engage and make clear my disappointment in him and if he wants help to change his lifestyle then I want to be part of that.