In all honesty , and speaking as a wife it’s selfish. You know the hurt you are putting them through and you know the way you will feel after. To make a conscious choice to do it anyway and hurt those you love is probably the worst thing you could do .
Sadly you will always be an addict in recovery and until you accept that and consistently live your life with that in mind this won’t stop.
People in recovery carry on going to NA for most of their life , you can’t just think you are cured after a year .
There is no happy ending here for you or your family unless you stay in a programme , and engage fully .
I feel so sad for you , please get help and stick with it . You really are putting those you love through the worst pain ever , the high is short lived the damage is permanent .
Make a call today please .