Hi Cali,
I didn’t want to read and run. I hope you are ok. I have been in your shoes, so everything you say resonates. And everything he is doing also does. My husband is 18 months clean of Coke, after years and years of living on a rollercoaster.
It is not that he doesn’t want you, the pull of the coke is strong, and if he knows you wont let him do it, he’ll say things to you to create distance to justify it to himself and to allow him to do what he pleases.
I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but unless he wants to stop, he wont have a cats in hells chance of doing so. Cocaine is a sly, manipulative drug that pulls you in slowly, then takes over your life.
My advice to you, and hard as it is, if you have no kids together, move on and let him go. Your happiness is important and right now, you are existing not living.
Coke does allow you to function, its not like heroin or alcohol, a lot of the time most people cannot tell when someone is on it. But it turns people into monsters, and if they could see themselves like they are, when they are clean, they would be mortified.
Sending hugs x