I have 4 girls from before him as well, when we met he was great, we did family stuff and went away with the girls, he left his job really early on to take care of my girls when I almost lost my eldest back in 2017, that’s why I never imagined he would throw away the chance to watch his baby grow.
He’s caring when he sees her but he barely does, I took her over to see his mum when a couple of the football games were on but he wasn’t really interested, only to show her off to his friend n then get on it, I stayed to watch with them n left straight after.
I guess I hoped he would miss the both of us but he didn’t.
He has a massive problem with one of my girls, I guess because she’s got her head screwed on and when he would use here he would be paranoid she was gonna walk down and catch him, she did occasionally to get herself a drink or whatever n he would go crazy once she had gone. Now he’s always super aware of her in the house, I told him, if he’s clean he’s nothing to worry about and I’m not going to force her to stay away, it’s his choice so he should stop.
They way it works on his brain is changing too, In the past he would be so lovely but now as he comes to the end of his ticket I could see him change, he would say the same thing over and over and make an argument, then he’d say stuff under his breath to me about how he thought I was failing as a mum, if I lost it he would act all shocked and make out I was crazy…I actually thought I was.
Once he left me I was broken, he never checked I was okay and this is a relationship where we were inseparable for the years before.
He was the one that made me believe in myself in the beginning, we were amazing, I’d never felt love like it,
I do love him,
I wish in a way I could stop,
I’m trying to focus on me, I’m quite an anxious person, I keep myself to myself and have literally a couple of friends, I only tell them what I need to because I don’t trust easy.
I am walking though, making myself get out the house n go a few miles, I do this with my eldest girls and it’s good….
I just feel like I’m in limbo.
I’m sorta sorry to hear your story but kinda glad I’m not on my own, why don’t they make effort!
I changed my life to work around him, I’ve been up in the middle of the night to get him to work and I’ve answered the phone at all hours when he’s been at rock bottom but when I’m sad he’s just annoyed, when I have enough he doesn’t care at all and there’s no way I’d ever risk loosing him the way he has me.
This morning I woke to see he had put a quote on Facebook about how he was watching his world slip away but once he was up it was deleted so I guess he’s feeling better after his last crazy episode.
He asked me to help him pay for a week away in a hotel before too, I’m glad I didn’t, he said he would delete his numbers and distance himself but I don’t think it’s possible, he has so many contacts, so many friends and avenues where he can get it again, people literally ask him when we are out.
I guess I’m too soft, I just love the bones of him but he’s broken and pretty nasty most of the time.
I guess his past holds a lot of his demons, probably why I care so much,
His mum has special needs so can be hard to talk to, his uncle killed himself when he was young, then one of his close friends killed himself on his birthday, his dad disowned him from the start but is now living at the end of his road – still not really interested. And to top it off, the father of his best friend who he does all this with died in 2019 suddenly in his sleep which he is struggling with – the reason he won’t cut this friendship and just keeps using.
He’s had such a bad life and for at least 3 of our 5 years things were the best, we were happy and I felt like we would make a little kingdom together, now I get anxious when I no I’m gonna see him,
im scared when im away that I will hear that he’s died.
It’s such a sad life, it really is the devil!
So have you moved on?
Do you have alot of friends you can turn to? Xx