Hi Ash
Thanks for you reply. The children are so confused as they are only little. They are starting to realise that something is not right due to the continuous disappearing acts over the past 2 years. However, they are coming to an age where they are starting to grasp the concept that he is never really going to be around full time. They can sense my worries and stresses which i know is not a good thing, but its hard to control my emotions all the time when they are around. It’s difficult trying to explain things to children when they are of a young age, so I simply tell them that Daddy is not himself at the moment and until he can be a better Dad they wont see him.
At present I’m struggling. I accepted that he was an addict a long time ago and still chose to stay with him and try and support him. Like most it crept up on him. Firstly it was a social thing at weekends then odd times during the week. He then started with a few day blow outs and disappearing acts. He has been in two induced comas due to paranoia – this still has not stopped him.
It has been a long bumpy road which ultimately has led to him having 3 different flats during the course of our 17 year relationship. Each time i have welcomed him back into the family home in the hope he could get clean. He has been to NA, had a sponser and to be honest at times he has really tried to fight his demons but he has never succeeded. The drug always pulls him back.
The past 2 years have been the worst. He has gradually become more dependent on it. He coincides cocaine with gambling and as mentioned earlier I found out he cheated. He was going with another woman for about 5 months!! The whole time he was still stopping at the family home odd nights and even took me away on holiday! The girl in question seems to be a homewrecker i have heard numerous stories about her splitting up families. Seems she likes to take Coke and drink too. He was sorry when i found out and sort of blamed the drugs. I think most of the time when they were together they were snorting and drinking whilst I was at home looking after his kids! There is no excuse for is as when he was meeting her / picking her up he wasn’t high.
Since his infidelity he has never been the same – well to be fair he hasn’t for a while but now he has drifted from his kids, his mam and family (who are aware of his addiction), his close friends and basically just cut himself off. He went 3 weeks without seeing his 3 year old. When he does turn up its all lies that come out of his mouth. At times I cant help but feel sorry for him when i see him. I’m looking at the person i fell in love with, but he is a complete stranger inside. He still asks if i want to go out with him and the kids like a happy family. Its like he cant fully let go and neither can I. Why is this?
I would love nothing more than him to get clean for his kids sake but i don’t see that happening. Its like he has resided to that life. I just wish i could move on from it all!! He is constantly popping up in my head which is doing me no good and when he does show up he tries to act all normal which confuses me even more. That’s the manipulation though.
A lot of people say guilt can sometimes play a role in the continuous misuse as they would rather block out there thoughts by taking the drugs than face the guilt, feelings and emotions when not using – God knows.
Hope you are well and thanks for reading!! Take care x