Why am I such an idiot?
Yesterday I’m getting on with an average day, no sign of him, an old work friend wanted to pop by,
While she was sat chatting about work (I’m still on maternity leave)
He appears in my car, I’ll add it’s filthy! Full of his crap and you can clearly see where his amazing friend sits due to the amount of old drink bottles in the passenger door,
And he starts to mess about with his own car that’s been dumped on my driveway for the last year n a half.
I let him in to get power and he proceeds to empty my cupboard where he keeps his tools, everywhere! Like all through my kitchen and hallway, he starts his car but then disappears
My girls then come in to tell me he is 3 doors along drinking and partying with my neighbors!!! I no drinking will lead to coke, they may well already do that over there anyway, some of the people we no are quite well off and use it, others are scabby, thing is no one knows he can’t control it, he’ll act all clever but once he leaves he’ll be sat alone with a ticket or 2, he’s the addict who bullies and is on the brink of violence now, but to all these party friends, they think he’s a good bloke, that I’m holding him down. I get the looks and laughs like they think I should be grateful he even stays with me.
I want to scream at them all the things he’s done to me! All the secrets I’ve kept, I sit here crying and he gets the happiness, the laughter.
Why!?
I was a touch hurt yesterday,
I fall in the trap of thinking that he’s normal when I see him, I forget he’s a complete stranger now. I took our little lady out to see him, he looked for maybe a minute but she looked to me n he lost interest.
Over at the neighbors he continues to laugh loudly and call my girls over the fence, I’m sat inside being mum, feeding our baby and being ‘boring’ while he just ups n goes leaving his tools everywhere
Anyway I decided to take my girls on a late night walk so he can’t beg to sleep in my house, he’s rosy drunk, I hear lots of people laughing… as we walk past he has the front door open and both him and my neighbor are out on their porch laughing at us, I felt like an idiot for being upset, my girls are watching what he’s doing to me!!
They see me happy and how he destroys my a little bit more every day.
I sat in that park for a good hour crying, I took the longest walk home, I was scared to come back and put my girls through the stress of an argument.
Why, why the need to hurt someone?
I’ve literally given him the world, I’ve paid his debts, I’ve been his go to when he’s wanted to end it!
I’ve never ever let him down! Ever!! And now I just feel low and so incredibly sad….
Yesterday sounds like a pathetic day to be down about but for some reason it knocked me for six and I’m lower than I’ve ever been