Hey,
I totally get what a fucked up place your in, stay strong!!
I wish they could see what pain they are putting us through!!
I spent most of my week thinking about him n trying to keep busy but all I was really doing was looking busy so the kids didn’t realise and he was on my mind constantly.
So last year I got myself a book and wrote each memory of when bad stuff happened, when he did nasty stuff, things he said, when I’ve had to pay people off, just to remind myself that he’s not the big dream I remember when I’m missing him,
I found it good getting stuff off my chest, and then I looked up narcissistic quotes which he fits almost all of them, I wrote ways to heal from what he does and how much I deserve because even now I’d never do what he’s done to anyone else but especially not him!
Now if I’m low I come on here, or I watch utube or Instagram videos on narcissist behavior, I read my notes to remind myself that this isn’t my fault. I still miss him but I no I’m worth more and just maybe something better is coming!
Last year as lockdown hit everyone he walked out on me, I always ended up begging him at the front door and he would push me away and leave, he’d go for a couple of weeks n then come back, over n over
As I was pregnant I found it really hard so I got myself counseling where a lady video called me every two weeks, she just let me talk and I sorta realized I was strong, I’m a mummy and ultimately I’m a really good lovely person.
I had the same problem, not speaking to him n not knowing if we were on the same page,
We have an age gap, so he was 24 when we met n I was 39 ???? but I don’t look my age at all lol,
he’s now 29 and I’m 45! We just work, he was always the grown up serious one n I just fucked about n had a laugh.
When we met I had been in a long term relationship through my 20’s so had no clue about most drugs,
I’d done speed in my teens but not much else.
So yeah he introduced me to different bits and was really careful with me but it just never became a thing, I was never bothered if it was about or not, I’m so lucky I never got hooked really.
He does talk but he’s always on it or on a come down so I have to pick my time if I want to talk, lately he’s been nasty and aggressive so I’d have no chance, he seems to think everyone else is the problem too, apparently doing coke isn’t a bad thing and he’s never gonna stop it altogether.
I can’t decide if I want to be with him if he plans on having that in his life or to go with it n see if he changes, I feel like I’m at this point so do I want to risk the heart ache again from the start or should I just try n get my head around things as they are?
I think he wants a relationship but obviously he’s hoping to keep living as he is but that’s just not gonna fit in with family xx