Esta is bang on about trust. 18 years of us so called being honest and it turns out he lied for at least 2.5 of them. Now the only thing is can believe is that he’s been on drugs, has now (probably) stopped and is definitely sorry, ashamed and regretful.
But…. i don’t believe for one second i know what’s really been going on. There’s a massive cloud of horrible mystery above our heads.. was it *only* coke, when/where/why/what he was doing when he was on it (most days for the best part of 28 months)? I don’t trust him and i don’t even trust me any more. My judgement has failed me completely.
We’re sticking it out as best we can…no promises from me other than you relapse, you’re gone and i can’t guarantee our marriage will survive.
I don’t want to lose our dreams or ruin the kids lives, but that first day he chose drugs over us HE threw it away. We’re just scrabbling through the wreckage now.
He’s 163 days clean now and i don’t feel like congratulating him, i feel like slapping him… he shouldn’t have done it in the first place.
They use us and abuse us, and leave us feeling as if we’re the ones with the problem.
I get that for many drugs are a way of surviving horrible life experiences, but my husband has led a charmed life whereas I’ve been through more crap than not. Yet… he’s the one who turned to drugs. In ca they quickly learn it’s them being selfish that causes their addiction. And it’s true. They don’t give a damn for the consequences or who they hurt. He worked hard at his addiction before he lost control, i worked hard at pickings up the pieces.
We’re all here just hoping that our loved ones don’t relapse, but it’s in their nature. It’s almost just a matter of time.
I hate my new life of ptsd, depression and anxiety. But… I’m taking control gradually and im damned if I’ll be pushed around anymore.
I’m dreading the relapse but in some ways it would be easier than sitting here playing Russian Roulette with my heart.
All love to my fellow sufferers xx