I can relate to all of those things too. It keeps me going coming on here and reading things I could have written myself although I’m truly sorry for those going through it because it is hell on earth.
I don’t know the man I married. I actually don’t know if it’s the cocaine or the way he was secretly. There was a lot of selfish behaviour prior to when the cocaine got really bad (I had no idea and it never crossed my mind to be drugs). But did I ever think he would do the things he has done to me? No. Nor our very young children.
Even sly things.
I can add a few extra thoughts:
They can’t see rationally or reality (and blame everyone else/you – gas light you even)
They act extreme instead of rationally to get their own way
They look different physically
Avoid responsibility sometimes not in the obvious ways
They can be sly – which is different I think to a lie because it’s more calculated
They ‘hate’ you yet they can’t leave you alone
They play the victim and latch to anyone who falls for it whilst pointing the finger of blame to you
The hardest part is how they somehow turn it around to you. Our relationship, etc etc. It was over years ago so they say yet they don’t walk away?! And in my case there were many an opportunity but I had no idea it was cocaine and thought it was a blip and with no concrete evidence of anything (although I could see it crumbling but was led to believe it was my emotional state) I wanted to desperately save my marriage!
How I wish I’d ran for the hills and never looked back because the web they weave is invisible until you are thoroughly tangled in it.