Paul I have a cocaine addiction and I’m over 2 month clean now.
You are not at fault!
The answer to it all is in your story.. Child hood trauma. This is a major factor in using drugs. It can be as little as anything. This is when we do the 12 steps in C A anonymous, on step 4 we do resentments we talk to our sponsor about every resentment we have from the past. And write them down. I had a lot to my dad because he scared me with his temper. A lot to my friend because he bullied us all. Some people have been abused sexually by family members. These deep down resentments hold us back.
So we need to let go of them and move on. It really does work.
There is a doctor who studies trauma and addiction, you can see his videos on you tube, Dr gabor I think his name is.
Please stop thinking its you. You are doing your best.