Hi mj
Detaching is probably the hardest part for us. You can’t just switch your feelings off or bury them like the addict can when using. I’ve struggled with detachment for 8 years and still now when we are not together the door is never fully closed on him.
I think I’ve given up now on believing he may change. However, I still have hope if that makes any sense. It’s like I’ve accepted that there is nothing more I can do, and that he has chosen the drug over his family, but I do hope that one day I may be proven wrong. This is what makes it so difficult for me to completely move on.
I do pray that eventually i will move past this and cut all ties with him but until then it’s like I’m still bound to him in some way. Especially with kids being involved.
Even now I know everything he says is lies. Yet he still manages to manipulate me. I think its because as long as you have contact with them you are constantly fighting with your feeling and emotions towards them, and you so want to believe what they are saying, so the manipulation still works.
The only advice I can give is the longer u have no contact the easier it gets. Dont get me wrong you still think of them and wonder what they are up to, but you don’t feel as much emotion / sadness etc when thinking about them. I know from practice when I go weeks without seeing my ex it gets easier but then soon as he randomly rocks up to see the kids it sets me right back. Literally feel like I have to start all over again. What hurts the most is that it doesn’t even look like it effects him one bit, but I think that is due to the suppressed feelings from the drug use.
In regards to knowing if they have cheated. I suppose you don’t no for definite unless you have proof. However, I seen escort sites on my exs 4n. He said it wasn’t what I thought……well what was it then?! Also he was more distant and not as touchy feely. Sex was awkward in respect he could not perform properly. All of this can be the effect of the cocaine though, so it’s hard to know without proof.
When I found out about the cheating what I didnt understand was why he didn’t leave me when he was going with the other woman. God knows I gave him loads of opportunities to walk away. Instead he chose to keep seeing her when he was high and be with me when he was normal (selfish). Obviously I was not aware of what he was up to. I just thought it was the cocaine binges. I gave him multiple chances for him to be with her without directly knowing what I was doing. He chose to stay with me and continue his affair until he was caught out.
Take care