Okay so I have been thinking about how to reply to you all day
When I first met my ex
The first night we went out we went to a pub where we bumped into one of his Childhood friends who turned out to be a dealer
His girlfriend was older and adored him he cooked up crack – At time I had no idea – as he passed the pipe round
I declined but Watched how he took the piss out of her but I couldn’t work out if it was banter because of the drugs or he meant it
He had told her to get a tattoo – it was a crown and said KIng and his name on her very low abdomen which she then showed us!!
He told her he was going to marry her – when I came out of the bathroom he was there and gestured for me to come in with him – one hand on his crotch!!
She had spent years trying to stop drinking and drugs but he was supplying her and it was obvious she needed to stop she had involuntary twitches and her daughter was so upset at her physical decline
I felt like saying come home with us we’ll drop you home you shouldn’t be here but I knew that she would be back the next day so no point – he had her just where he wanted her
But the damage he was doing and saying he loved her it was so wrong
Addicts tell us what we want to hear
I can see from your posts you are in a bad place and I feel you may need more help to get out and move on
But you say older should no netter
None of us chose to fall in love with an abuser because that’s what they are and I think what we have to realise is we all want to be loved and feeling loved is amazing – that is why You have to stop and really think about this because what you are living in is now not love on any level
It’s convenient
It’s familiar
It’s safe even though it’s abusive and very damaging
The night before we got married my ex disappeared ;the first major crack binge that happened, I have since learnt he was with a woman. I had left in the middle of the night he came and found me in the morning he was hysterical, begging me not to leave him swearing on his kids lives no women were involved and I gave in. I think he even sneaked off twice to buy crack during our honeymoon.
I literally had no idea about drugs back then. Or the levels of deception and deceit or the lengths addicts will go to without any remorse or feeling for anyone they hurt along the way
You know being on your own is actually a lot less lonely than being in a relationship with an addict sat waiting for a sign of life being picked up and dropped as they please
They actually choose a strong anchor to hold down their life for them which is why you feel if you walk away they will disappear into orbit but they won’t they will just find a new anchor
And that’s a crap feeling knowing you are replaceable because you want to be the one that’s what they told us again and again
But so what – you will be free and the next person will have to learn the hard way. And don’t fret that person will be better than you because of course they will be initially; but the Penny will eventually drop for them and you will be long gone
I too have had 25 + years of abuse which is why being on your own is actually exactly what you need
The smallest freedoms should be celebrated and you deserve more
I hope that you find the strength to cut him off
Small steps away from him
You really must be strong
None of us know what tomorrow brings but to live in this misery is not right
My mother died at 56 and I know she would kick me into next week if she thought I would Waste anymore of my life on sadness or waste my strength trying to save someone who treated me with such little respect
Please please do whatever it takes to set yourself free xxx