Hi Mary, I’m afraid I understand this situation and your suffering only too well as I am a widow of an alcoholic, he died in 2012. I had to flee the family home and take my then 5 year old Son with me. I had tried to help him for 5 years and found out during the marriage that he had been in rehab 10 years before we met, he went to rehab two more times but it didn’t work. It got progressively worse over time. A ‘drink problem’ became full blown alcoholism. At the end we all had to just let go, even his family…I had to choose looking after my Son and to preserve my own health and sanity so that I could be a good Mother to my Son.
I also believe that it’s a choice..my husband got sober over and over again and always chose to take a drink over us, anything and everything. The drink won over everything. Myself and his Father, rescued him over and over again. In the end we couldn’t keep doing it, my Father in law had cancer, he died 2 years after my husband. So at least he had 2 years free of it.
Please don’t feel that you are to blame in any way. The addicts are completely selfish, unaware of what they are doing to other people and they are self centered and very weak. As you say, losing her children hasn’t made her stop, I left and took my Son with me, this didn’t make my husband stop, although I know that he loved us dearly. It’s so sad and heartbreaking to see someone that you love, destroying themselves. It’s true you can’t help anymore, only someone like me who’s lived it can understand the suffering that you are going through.
When my husband died it was relief and release from it all. He was released from the torment of the addiction and we were released from the terrible strain of it. Living in the eye of a hurricane.
I feel very sorry for you. As you say, you will just have to try to detach for your own sanity. At least you no longer have the worry of her caring ( not caring ) for her children anymore, that must have been horrendous. I know I had all that with the threat of my husband wanting to take my Son, when he wasn’t even capable of looking after himself!!
I send you peace and hope that you can block it out to come back to your own life.xx. It’s her choice to ruin her life. You can’t help her at the expense of your own health and life.