Hi, the anger that you carry is typical for people close to or directly dealing with an alcoholic. I am the widow of an alcoholic, he died in 2012. I hated him at the end, he hated me and he hated his family, even though we’d all rescued him repeatedly and tried to help him.. to no avail.
I would say it took me 7 years for the anger to subside. The amount of stress that they put you through is phenomonal and like you, instead of seeing this as a disease, I believe that it was always my husband’s choice to stop, but he didn’t. They are totally selfish, completely unaware of what they’re doing to everyone around them and in denial that they have a problem.
You mention that he soiled himself. My husband was regularly incontinent due to heavy drinking ( usually urine not the other ), but this is one of the most difficult aspects of the condition to talk about. This is typical of an addict, with hindsight I know this, I didn’t at the time. He once urinated all over a leather sofa that cost £2k by accident of course…but it was ruined. It makes your skin crawl and it’s the horror of it. I too hated my husband for years.
I eventually reached a place of forgiveness, but it took years. I still have flashbacks of what I went through with it, but I’m now living a happy life.
But I have tremendous empathy for you and I’m writing to you, as when I was dealing with it, there was little to no support for partners and families. Al-anon were useless.
I would advise you to cut all contact with your brother, he doesn’t deserve to see you or your Son. It sounds like he is in a very advanced state of alcoholism and cannot be helped unless he does it himself.
I really relate to your pain and your anger…why should he be doing this to you, it’s affecting you. Just try to cut him out, tell him he’s never welcome again at your house. I do feel sorry for his wife, although you say that she is unstable as well.
You will just have to leave him to it and not get drawn into it. At least you are not living with him every day!! As you say the visit was bad enough, imagine what it’s like every day!.
I’m hoping that you can find peace for yourself and your family, and block out the menace. xx