Your story of being in the dark is very similar to me. I also thought that it was down to alcohol like you – when he went out with mates i never went as its just not my thing so for years he was taking coke at weekends but that was all. Then unfortunately he got a better job and the more money he had the more he did. And the more he did the more it effected our relationship but I didn’t know why and accused him of alcoholism.
Eventually I found out it was cocaine but it was probably too late as our relationship had reached a point of no return. He still lives with us because I am not financially independent but I single parent our son and I hope to get out of the relationship soon – for now I stick to my boundaries as much as I can and we are surviving.
This weekend he had a binge, the mood afterwards was horrendous- he screamed at me for suggesting mcdonalds when he asked what we wanted to eat – after offering us a takeaway. I try not to engage with it because its insane but it gets to me. He has come home the last 2 days and just gone to bed so the Friday binge must have been huge because he has slept all Saturday and Sunday also.
I come on here just to read but I miss my husband and when I am feeling like this all I really want is a hug from him. I hate cocaine!