All true. If I could have trusted my own self all those years ago, I would have left him then. I even know how I could have. I have recently planned it all out. No other choice, as this is a battle that realistically not many win. And yet, we had, maybe, one of the best outcomes as he quit the coke more then 30 years ago (except for 2 very short relapses). As bad as it was, our story could have been so much worse. Still it is hard to believe eventhough I know now it is true – this scenario that Esta describes. We were together years before the coke years. This coke shit is capable (and did) of turning him into this horror show. It could happen to anyone. It leaves me with a old wound. Ripped wide open – bigger then before. I trusted him, which I’m supposed to. He is my husband. I have been living a life that didn’t include the whole truth. How can I make myself better with it all? I have to, I want to. I believe it is possible to heal from this, but not sure exactly how.
