Hi I have such a similar story except he didn’t do it in front of me just the drinking and no affair to my knowledge. He became such a toxic person, so nasty and gaslighting me, staying up all night with his sons and sleeping through the day. I used to get test strips from Amazon and would pray they would be negative but everytime they were positive and it hit me really hard. I eventually threw him out but every day my mind was consumed by him and cocaine and us as I still loved him. I also had terrible stomach problems and anxiety. We would keep trying and he would move back in but it would eventually go bad again. This happened so many times. Fast forward to today he is no longer here. Our fights became worse and worse and he had completely changed in personality. He was depressed and off the coke I believe after joining Cocaine Anonymous (By the way without his knowledge I also spent many sessions signing into open online meetings to try to understand an addict and they were always really welcoming to me). But our marriage had changed, so many lies and now lack of trust. I very gradually started to feel better in myself. He would still come here for the weekends and I still loved him but every time we had an argument he would leave and take more of his stuff and even stuff he had given to me as presents. Anyway now I have filed for divorce and am feeling better every day (still have the odd bad day). I still love him and I know he loves me deeply but I can’t continue on this roller coaster of a life. It’s too stressful. What I am trying to say is there is light at the end of the tunnel and you don’t deserve this either. When you are in the thick of things you are just there and it’s hard to imagine life without him. My friends and family all saw it but at the end of the day it is you that has to make the decision. I feel stronger, less stressed and feel I am getting my old self back. I truly hope you get through this as well and learn to smile again and it is possible – cocaine is a terrible drug which normally goes hand in hand with the alcohol. It changes people so much. I still yearn for the person that he was when I met him but so much has happened and he has now destroyed it all. Good luck x
