Hi too ashamed, welcome to the forum, thank you for sharing your story.
I agree that no matter how difficult times get, you still need to let your loved one know that you love them and care about them. It’s the addiction and the damage it causes we all hate.
My son is currently in early recovery and doing ok atm.
Have you thought about seeking support yourself to get free of this evil drug that destroys lives?
I understand that every day is a battle but do you not think it’s worth it?
Read Danman83 posts here, he is a person in recovery and offers advice and support. The CA and AA fellowship guys are a wonderful support too.
There’s help out there my friend if you seek it and want it.
Take care
Lx