Finally after all this time I have found my post!! Thank you for your responses. Update, I never left even though at times I really have wanted to I just could never. Starting from last October he disappeared a night every month for 5 months and then very shortly after that he left for 2 weeks, came back and a month later left again for another 2 weeks. At this point I was adamant I was done until he told me he is now smoking crack. In that moment he changed to a victim in my mind (of his own choices), it changed from anger to fear and worry. I couldn’t stop thinking if I didn’t let him back he’d end up dead. Anyway he came back and went to the doctors, one meeting and that was it. He came back a week before both my boys birthday on the 13th April and has now left again, 3 days so far. I understand why he’s gone, I’ve gone cold and distant and constantly accuse him of using and question everything he says/does, I don’t believe a word. He lies about his using but I’ve found all his stash, I would check it every day and see he’s added to it so I could tell how much he was using. He’s lied, stole from me, doesn’t work anymore (odd jobs to fund his addiction), leaves me to carry the weight of everything. I’m so up and down with it all, a massive part of me just wants to close the chapter and finally be free to find myself again and become a happier person/mum but there’s that little part that’s just not ready to let go yet. It would easier if he decided to never come back so I can stop being weak. I am scared that away from us permanently means he will go further down that black hole and me and the kids are going to end up burying him. After talking to him the other day, he’s fully aware he has a problem (likes to minimise it and call it a habit) but has no intention of getting help. I know I’ve lost him, those good things I could once say about him, the ones that made me think there was hope are all gone. I wish he wanted better for himself😢
