None of this is your fault and you need to remind yourself of that, every time your negative thoughts pop into your head. How is him deciding to use cocaine your fault? You need to step back and try to think logically sweetheart. You are doing nothing wrong! You are trying to help him and save your marriage, theres nothing wrong with that.
So much of what you said reminded me of situations i’ve been in. The anger for testing him – is just deflection from his guilt, he wasnt being honest with you, and your gut was telling you he was still using, so you did what you had to for your own sanity!
A stressful situation because of your sister is not your fault either, thats guilt too. Why should you have to bottle everything up inside because of his feelings, is he caring about your feelings when he’s not stopped using coke?
Its so hard when you are in it, to see whats really going on. Your husband has gone away, and the addiction is what you are dealing with. There is still a good person there, but you need to try and drag him out of the powerful hold of cocaine. Its a very addictive drug, psychologically more addictive than herion. His ability to stop will require a lot of willpower and a lot of support, but he has to want to, and I dont think he’s there 🙁
Sending you love xx