i totally second what ash is saying debbie.. it’s not your fault… he is in the grip of a powerful addiction and anything he says comes from there, not the man you fell in love with.
we can’t tell you what to do but i will say that for your own sake, and the sake of your mental health i wonder if a little break would do you some good. your family sound very supportive too, can you talk to them about how desperate you’re feeling? i think you should seek professional help for yourself too. we’re all suffering from addiction. yes, the addict takes the drug, but everyone around them is affected and hurt and damaged. we all need to access recovery. sometimes we need professional help in our own personal journey.
have you tried looking at the cocaine anonymous web site? there are support group meetings for families of addicts. i didn’t go down that road, i went into talking therapy and after nearly a whole year I’m finally moving on. my addict has faced his issues and knows my boundaries. he knows if he breaks them he’s out.
please don’t blame yourself, from what you say this originated way before your relationship, he just concealed it from you.
ive spent a lot of time blaming myself and feeling guilty and ashamed… but it’s not my fault. it’s just the way it is.
please be kind to yourself debbie x