Aw it’s very sad that he has missed out, but it’s good that you have your daughter to focus on. My oldest two kids had a pair of completely dysfunctional fathers and i have to say that my main view as far as that is concerned is that it was their loss, not ours. I experienced every bit of the joy and pride. My two have grown into fine young adults and are largely unscathed by the paternal abandonment. It’s how we deal with it that keeps them healthy. I can also report that both of them have intermittent contact with their fathers, and are able to see them for their flaws and deal with it mentally.
My situation with my husband was that following a stressful couple of years his behaviour suddenly began to deteriorate. He had always had a bit of a temper but was never heartless. The main stressor was him going into partnership of his company in 2016. His workload was immense and random and potentially 7 days a week. It was awful and obviously affected his mental health.
We also moved house which he couldn’t really cope with – despite me doing 99% of the work.
I know this is controversial but we’ve always been involved in the underground music scene and have used party drugs together. While away from the family home etc. Never around the kids and always together.
One weekend away back on 2018 a few months after moving house we finally got away to a festival. He brought some coke. We got called back early because he had to work and pocketed the drugs. That’s how it started! Sneaking a little bit here and there behind my back. His behaviour went off the scale and his drinking was insane. I assumed it was stress of work turning him to drink. It never even crossed my mind that he was using cocaine. I jumped through absolute hoops trying to ease the stress and be a supportive wife. Durrr!
Over lockdown he terrorised me to the point where i wanted to die. He didn’t care. On some occasions i did wonder if he was on something because his behaviour was so utterly crazy- he denied it!
Somehow we made it through 2020 and it calmed down slightly, though he still was unbelievably volatile.
The shock came that his partner caught him buying the drugs and one saturday last February it all fell in on us all. Obviously i didn’t expect he would do as well as he has – ive read stories.
Basically i think he was on the tipping point where much further he might not have got back.
So… his partner wanted to kill him and close the business. I begged him to give my husband a single chance. My husband expected me to help him.. some cheek huh? but i said No! I’m for the kids and you sort this or we’re off.
He was coming out with oh… I’ll shut the business and we’ll sell the house and start afresh with a flat!! I told him that nope… if we have to leave the family home and turn the kids upside down i will be going it alone from that point.
I rang the ca that morning basically in shock and despair, and they called him back and then his soon to be sponsor started ringing him a few times a day.
He started online meetings that weekend and had his first face to face the tuesday. They do feel a bit like a religious cult but addicts need that. He did his 12 steps and has changed his life completely.
He wanted out but the drugs were blinding him to everything but more drugs. He took the lifeline with both hands.
i hope he never lets go.
i think the shock of being caught and seeing everything he loves hanging over the precipice cut through the drug haze.
maybe your husband will lose that veil long enough for you to break in xxx