Hi ThisTim3
I know exactly the pain you feel as my husband is a recovering secret cocaine addict. The only person on the planet apart from him who had an inkling was his dealer. Knowing the person you love has concealed a huge part of their life hurts like nothing i have ever felt before.
My husband used cocaine in secret for two and a half years. It started when we had been through a very difficult few years and he began to resent me for how hard life was. He then had some kind of mental breakdown due to work and cocaine slipped into his life – a little late at night on weekends at first, but over the following 30 months it took over everything!
But he never said a word. We all knew something was wrong but we didn’t know what. His behaviour completely deteriorated and his health went to pieces. On some occasions i asked him straight out if his was on drugs but he denied it.
But why…. first off he knew that if he said he planned to take cocaine around the kids i would have put a stop to it straight away (obviously!), then.. once it had begun he was filled with shame, embarrassment and at the same time he did get a kick out of the secrecy, he felt he liked the control too (though looking back he can see it was completely beyond control), he also was frightened but didn’t want to admit it to himself, let alone me or anyone else. The more he did the bigger the hole he was digging. More shame, worse physical shape, bigger rows and deeper denial. He lied to himself throughout the whole of his active addiction (his words not mine).
About 8 months into his recovery i realised that i still felt completely shut out of this massive part of his life and i also became aware that he was carrying a huge burden of guilt and shame – he was afraid to tell me the nitty gritty of his experiences.
We went out to the seaside and talked and cried for hours. Once the barriers came down it was a big turning point. We’re doing okay now. Still have a way to go but 11 months in and at least we’re on the same page.
We’ve been together since 2003 and i always thought the one thing we had above all was 100% honesty. To find out about this terrible secret was the worst feeling I’ve ever had.
I hope you’re able to break down the barriers with your partner.