Hi Ceelen, I hope you’re okay and I’m sorry that you are going through this. I hope it’s okay me commenting as I’m commenting from the other side of the fence. I just logged on with the intention of making a post asking for people opinions on this exact subject because I am a recovering addict and I’m finding it really hard to one come to terms with just how much pain I have caused my partner but also the realisation that, with the recovery process, I need her more now than ever but due to my own actions she no longer wants to support me which I completely understand and honestly I can’t blame her. So…..
Im sorry if this is subconsciously one sided trying to defend addicts as I’ve learned through recovery that all addicts myself included will always try and bend situations to suit them so please bare with me and I’ll try and be as impartial and honest as I can be.
I don’t know the ins and outs of what your husband did, but if he had an addiction of any sort please know that it wasn’t (completely) his choice. No one ever says to themselves, “I’m going to become addicted to drink or drugs and royally screw my life up. I’m also going to hurt the people closest to me, lie to them, steal from them and hopefully in a few years I’ll lose everything”. No one ever intends to do that but the truth is it happens.
It happens gradually and some time an addict won’t even notice. You mentioned he was high functioning. I was too. That meant it can go undetected for alot longer, he was probably still working, still providing but secretly the illness of addiction would have been gripping tighter and tighter. Now the lies, which happen in every situation with an addict, normally start with the best intentions. They start because the addict doesn’t want anyone to know. Doesn’t want the shame and doesn’t want to worry their partner. But as time goes on things get worse the lie get bigger and its a one way street.
As an addict and get to the point you need help and you know you are powerless to your substance, the scariest thing of you are high functioning is to come clean and ask for help because you’ll be worried that job you still have will go, your Mrs who hates you but is still around will finally leave if she finds out and you’ll be left alone. So normally people try to stop on their own but it never works.
What’s important to know is that deep down the person who you once loved is still there. But that man has been fighting a losing battle within his own head daily with his addiction and its like having a split personality. I love my (now ex) partner with every ounce of my being and I would pass any lie detector test if I was asked because its true, but somehow I still did so many terrible things to her and without a second thought. The way that was abke to happen is because when the addict inside of you is in the pilot seat, you have no control over your emotions, your thoughts or your actions until the next morning when you sober up and have to deal with the guilt and heartbreak of what you have done.
Now I can’t tell you what’s right and wrong but I ask you to please at least consider a 3rd option to either just stay or leave.
Keep your distance, safeguard yourself and your kids. Maybe move out or figure out what works but please don’t give up on him. If he is really serious this time then he will be going through the toughest fight of his life and I gaurentee his motivation will be his family. I’m not saying to just forgive him, no he has to earn everything back through actions and that will take a long time. But addiction is not a choice he made and no matter what he did to you i am sure that he still loves you.
You don’t have to live with him, or see him every day but try and be a part of his recovery, let him share his struggles with you when he is having a tough day and wants to go back to the drink and I hope and pray that the man you once loved will begin to shine through again.
I wish you and him all the happiness in the world and I wish you both good luck.
All the best x