Hi ladies, I hope you are all okay. I’ve been reading the last few pages and wanted to say this…
When I was at my worst, I was a disgusting partner, I never cheated, it’s not something I personally could ever do but the lies and the argumentative stuff was there. I would get so caught up in my own lies and the story I spun that when she questioned me, I would make out that she’s the bad person for not believing me, I’d manipulate any situation into her being to blame whilst all along it was completely fabricated. Someone mentioned about how cocaine high Jack’s the brain. And I wish there was a way for people who haven’t been addicts to experience what it’s like. Imagine a tiny little creature was inside you and sat in your head like at the Controls of an aeroplane. It’s your body it’s your mouth talking but what you are saying isn’t you, you say things that you never thought you where capable of, you call names you shout you become someone who if you met on the street you would consider vermin but somehow those things still come from your mouth. Despite all of that I loved my partner more than anything and would die trying to give her everything she deserved when I was sober but then somehow when I was craving or when I was on it I turned into the most vile human being.
I guess the purpose of this comment is to tell you that your partners still love you and the person you love is still in there somewhere so please do everything you can to help them on their journey to getting clean.
Stay strong but still know that there is a point where you may have to walk away but if your partners are anything like me, they want nothing more than to get clean and spend their days loving you in a world without addiction. It’s just the hardest thing in this world to do