Thank you for the different range of replies.
It’s been a funny old week. I bit the bullet and told my 7 year olds school what had been going on. They were quite shocked that I’d not told them sooner, but very nice about it. They know me very well and decided there were no safeguarding issues. They stressed the importance though of making other professionals involved in our lives aware. Today I contacted my two year olds health visitor, who while lovely, immediately made a social services involvement and also encouraged me to contact first response and complete a self referral. Talking to the social worker today for that initial conversation was soul destroying, having to admit the lies and secrecy I’ve lived with for all these years, with nothing but “I thought things would change” just felt hollow and empty. That being said they were very polite and reassuring and helped me to see that while I may have not done the best thing by hiding it, I have devoted every waking thought to limiting its effect on my children throughout. They are satisfied that my children are well cared for and they are at no risk of harm in my care. They have made it clear it is my choice whether he has contact once he comes out, and that its for me to decide what is best for them.
I have to admit I still don’t know what to do when he comes out.
For the last few years he has lived with his parents, who I don’t trust, or even particularly like. So there’s no question about him returning here. We are also financially totally separate as I’ve never been able to depend on him financially. Cutting that tie has no impact other than emotionally.
Jamesb, I really respect your honesty with your reply. More so I 4espect the fact that you can acknowledge how addicts manipulate a narrative to suit themselves, something he has done for a very long time, usually with me as the villain. With you saying you were high functioning you implied you had held down a job, still provided for your family etc and I really respect that you managed to do that, but mine didn’t. The difficulty I would have listening to his struggles trying to support him is that, intentionally or not, he doesn’t take any responsibility for any of the pain he’s caused, its just excuses all the time or someone else’s fault. Besides the addiction issues, he just never grew up either.