Hi mate, thanks for your reply.
To answer your question of did I mean I’d do anything for her before the using in general or in between using…..
I guess (as bad as it sounds to me to admit) in between using….
The hard part to explain is that despite my drug use and the years or lies to her and the secrets and everything that came along with the addiction.
I loved her with every part of my being. But I have to be honest and tell you that’s when “I” was in control of brain.
Its important to know that not every time we use is a crazy bender that lasts a week and causes a huge row. Obviously we get away with hiding it for years mostly so alot of the times it would go like this…..
I’d be at work, I’d be craving, I’d tell her a little white lie “I’m going to stay late tonight” but the truth was I’d leave early and go get something and sit in my car and use. I’d go home at say 10pm, tell her I’m sorry for working late and thank her for being understanding. I’d kiss her, cuddle her and look at her with the same love any man who didn’t have a dark secret looked at their partner.
Then there’s the more intense situations, like when I’d be questioned because I had slipped up and my lie didn’t make sense. I’d be so nasty, if call her names, I’d play the victim, I’d make out like she was wrong for not trusting me when all I’m doing is working hard to support her when in fact that wasn’t true as I wasn’t at work.
That was the addict talking, I didn’t mean the things I said, I didn’t even acknowledge that I said them. And the addict part of me learnt to ignore all of that and do what ever I had to, to make sure I could satisfy my cravings.
But none of it was to hurt her.
When I wanted to use, it was like she was in the way. An obstacle I had to overcome. But the next day, all I would want to do is love her and treat her right.
What’s sad about it is that I never seemed to feel any guilt. That’s probably because the addict part of me wouldn’t allow me to.
But now I look back I am disgust by the way I treated her, she didn’t deserve any of it.
I hope that kind of gives an insight in some way.
Feel free to ask me anything you want to know and I’ll try my best to answer x