Reply To: Partner, 41 refuses to get help, moved onto crack

#27525
donthaveaclue
Participant

Hi Zoe

I’m so sorry that you are going through this too.

I’m in a somewhat similar boat, except I live with him and have a young child with him.

I’m currently in the process of trying to leave ASAP. I’ve been trying to leave for months but having to wait to get housed. Living with this is horrendous, an absolute nightmare and I’m just hanging on to the thought that I will eventually be free.

Otherwise to get out I was told that I have to leave and declare myself homeless (the council said they understand it wouldn’t be intentional homelessness).

So my one was originally doing coke recreationally max once a week if he went out and not even a whole bag… maybe a few lines. He was high functioning at this point. This then progressed to more frequent use and what I describe as the beginnings of the addiction. He had a friend who was a coke addict who would do it with him. To be honest, a large proportion of people in the area we live in do coke recreationally, so it is everywhere!

I think, unfortunately, this kinda normalises it and addicts use this as an excuse… like saying, well everyone does it… or well X does it so it must be okay.

Someone then showed him how to convert the powder into a smokeable form – crack basically. It was at this point that things really spiralled. Slowly over a few months he started to do it more and more until he was using as often as he could get it financially. Pretty much daily or like 4 or 5 days a week.

He got me into so much debt. His mood and behaviour is so awful when he doesn’t do it that I was basically enabling him for my own safety. Otherwise, he is violent and abusive. He has fallen out with so many people and created ‘beef’ with people. It completely brings out a terrible, erratic side in a person.

He drinks and smokes as an aside to doing the drug… so spends a lot of money on that as well.

He is now no longer able to hold onto a job. Bills remain unpaid. I often don’t have the money to buy food for us, which is ridiculous and distressing as I have a child to feed. I spend my time worrying about money when by myself I’d be fine. I really resent him for this. I think it just shows how selfish this addiction is and how you get sucked into living a life you’d never choose for yourself.

The reason I say all this is to show you… starting on crack is not a good situation… they say one hit of it is enough to start off a very serious level of addiction (people will sell their possessions and become homeless because of it type level). So your partner may say or think that he’s only done it once or he is only going to do it that one time, but I’d be very wary of believing that.

Also the blaming – my one blames me for EVERYTHING. He blames me for him using… if he tries to stop and restart then it’s my fault for causing him to restart (he will make up an argument or say I’ve dissatisfied him in some way). In fact, in more enlightened moments he’s confessed to actually starting arguments so that he can use it as an excuse to get himself one to ‘feel better’.

I think he is being manipulative. Mine does this too. I think you have done very well to not live with him or share any kind of finances. I think that if you read enough of the stories on here and other sites like this you will see that you may never be able to progress your relationship beyond how it is now.

If you are waiting for him to quit, 20 years is a long time to have a habit. He has to want to quit for himself and it doesn’t sound as if he wants to. Even if he does, do you think you’d ever be able to trust him?

I know with mine that there is too much water under the bridge now. If he did manage to quit, I’d never be able to trust him or stop worryinf about whether he’s started using again. I can’t stand his abusive and controlling side and I think these are side effects – potentially permanent ones – of taking the drug for so long.

Fact is – we did not start this and we are not to blame. We are not forcing them to use.

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