God! This reminds me of my experience so much! My husband started taking cocaine in secret in October 2018 and over the following 10 months the situation got more and more out of hand. I could see there was something wrong but i thought it was a mixture of massive work stress, a shit couple of years (for both of us mind!) and the fact his 40th was coming up. I thought he was feeling unloved.. aww! So… bought flights, hotels and tickets for a surprise trip to holland and massive festival, which we’d wanted to go to for years. I also arranged a surprise party in a hotel with all family and friends I could get. Massive custom cake. 9 year old daughter made a second special cake. We just wanted him to feel the love!!!!
Yeah, he was okay on the day and was okay on the way to holland, but halfway through the trip the mood goes down, down and down. Rowed all the way home. Obvious why now!
After that things just continued to drop through the floor!
Christmas was terrible. Tempers, violence and then demands for my attention. Then more tempers if I wasn’t loving enough. Getting the kids involved against me.
Then 2020! By June i was suicidal. Only thing keeping me going was the fear of leaving the kids with this insane, violent, vile thug.
A year after the massive birthday surprise i couldn’t even bring myself to buy him a card. Looking at those ridiculous cards going on about wonderful husbands and dads frankly made me want to smash up the stand. At that point I still didn’t know wtf was going on. I had assumed it was alcoholism. I never, ever thought he’d do such an appalling thing to me or the kids.
Autumn got worse. I almost kicked him out but he begged one more chance and promised a nice family xmas. It was not too angry, just cold, lonely and detatched.
New years night and he promised on his honour 2021 would be a good year. What a joke… little did i know he’d been sneaking off to the toilet all night sniffing that crap… around our kids mind! That’s so damn low to me.
Anyway things carried on being empty and awkward and angry. Then bang, he got caught out and everything crashed down on us.
I had a breakdown when i found out. I’m getting a little better now, after 13 months and a lot of self reflection. I have very bad ptsd though.
He’s clean, thank heavens.
I have not bought him a card since. And only one present- a necklace with an inscription.
I can’t be a hypocritical idiot buying a wishy washy card that goes on about what a great husband he is. He gets it.
I will be highly unlikely to ever travel to Holland again either.
I still feel such an idiot. though it’s not my fault – our brains don’t work on logic though when it comes to our addict partners.
x