Thankyou both for your kind words.
I guess I was having a bit of a wobble yesterday. It’s a tough one speaking to friends and stuff because at no fault of their own, all they are able to say is “I can’t imagine how hard it is mate” and ” here no matter what.”
The thing Is as much as a call to a friend will be nice and they will say nice things the reality is once the phone is hung up nothing has changed. They will still be gone etc.
Now we are all a bit older we all have our own lives and own things going on, so I could see a mate, have a chat say I’m going good with the gear, still not touched it, they will say “well done bro, be proud of yourself” which of course I am. I might say I’m struggling with missing my parents (it’s mainly the guilt of not being who I wanted to be for the last 5 years or so of their lives) and they might say some comforting things like “they are looking down on you mate they would be proud”
But then I go home and my pals go back to their family, Mrs etc and I am still left feeling like my center of gravity is missing.
When they where here I didn’t need them for too much, I have looked after myself since 18 paid my own way etc but I took for granted the things I did need them for. Like a quick call to my mum just to say works been sh** this week or just anything.
I don’t know really what I’m trying to say but when I was doing coke everyday I didn’t grieve for them, I don’t think I even accepted they had gone And now for the first time I’m years I’m experiencing emotions and it’s hard to deal with.
Sorry I was making no sense there but it’s nice just to type what I’m feeling sometimes. That’s why I try to help people on here. On some small way I feel like I’m making amends with myself for the wrongs I did.
Love to everyone struggling right now. No matter what The sun comes up every morning and goes down every evening and soon what seems like a big deal now will seem like a distant memory and you’ll be on the other side of it x