Hi Mammy
I’m sorry that he refused to do the test. How are things today?
Mine didn’t use for a bit as no money again but also did not call the doctor like he had said he wanted to/would… no surprise there really.
So I thought the telling thing would be when he did have access to money again… he basically was straight back at it. He still owes me for the previous 3 lots.
Some money (cash) was meant to be given back to me that someone else owed me for something I provided for them (work type stuff) and because it was organised through him, they gave him the money. Without asking or telling me, he spent it on the white stuff today. So all day he’s been on that. I don’t know how he thinks I’m okay with this.
I still don’t have any phone service as the bill is outstanding. I didn’t even have the money to travel to hospital the other day and had to ask my friend to send me money so I could attend my appointment.
I agree about not enabling and I have had that conversation with him before as I feel very guilty about it. It’s very difficult as I have a little one and I am literally trying to manage his behaviour so as to not endanger our child. It sounds nuts typing this… but….
He even he admitted that he cannot just go cold turkey so they only way would he either with us out the property, him out of the property or under some kind of supervision medically…. I don’t even know what they could do as he is already on so many psych drugs for his MH. As he has rejected the idea of rehab, I really dunno how it would work. When I do eventually leave, we will find out as I’m kinda assuming he won’t have managed to quit before then going by his history.
The other thing is… he is not the kind of person you can say no to really. I think he is well aware how scared I am of him. So he uses that to get what he wants from me. He is threatening enough that I feel unable to safely disagree or confront him. I have no voice or mouthpiece. I guess that’s what people in abusive relationships do… they take away your voice.
Like you, I look in the mirror and wonder what has happened to me. I’ve aged massively the last couple of years. I am a shadow of my former self. I never imagined being in a relationship where I couldn’t express myself or disagree. He doesn’t respect me or my opinion at all.
At the same time, we are the strong ones. We are holding our families together… as in looking after our children and trying to ensure their safety… I know when we are eventually out of this, through moving etc, that we will gradually recover and will look as if a weight has been lifted from our shoulders as it will have been… I currently feel as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my back!