hi ladies, i didn’t get time to reply yesterday as been getting organised for a little holiday… our first family trip abroad ever!
when it comes to these addiction stories every addict has his own tale to tell, yet they’re all broadly very similar…. in that they end up prioritising the drugs above everything else in life as the brain’s circuits effectively rewire to make them believe that no enjoyment can beat the high of the drug and it leads them to prioritise the drug above everything else including base life living.
cocaine in particular seems to be so insidious because it’s more of a mental addiction than a physical one.. for example… alcohol dependant people and heroin addicts will get physical pains as soon as withdrawal occurs.. but with a lot of cocaine users they seem to be psychologically dependent … they use in binges at the weekend, or not necessarily every day. i think this particular drug is harder to spot too, if you aren’t expecting to see it, since they are not doped out and therefore more ability to be covert in their usage.
so i would say debbie that your husband is very much psychologically dependant on this drug. like my husband did, he sees it as an easy fix to escape from reality for a bit. my husband tells me that no matter what shit had happened that day, whatever the worries he had… a couple of hits from the drugs and he no longer cared. escapism basically. unfortunately, what he couldn’t see at the time was that most of the problems he was trying to escape from by using the drugs, were actually caused by the drugs. in fact… after 2.5 years of this gradually more problematic behaviour he had accepted taking drugs around the house, even around the kids, in his car, at work as perfectly normal. despite never being able to sleep, nose bleeds, thinking he was going to die, living with the guilt… all just part of his life now.
i tell you all this to highlight how ingrained this crazy behaviour becomes!
unfortunately active addicts by nature are generally dishonest liars. they lie to the people around them a lot, but most lies they tell are to themselves. this is how they keep the addiction going.
they tell themselves they are not addicts, it’s just a little treat they need just for them, they tell themselves that they’re not hurting anyone, or doing any harm, they pretend they can stop whenever they want to .. but just not today!
my husband was stuck after 2.5 years… can you imagine how deeply ingrained this behaviour must be in your husband Debbie?
deep down inside his brain is a voice telling him that what he’s doing is wrong and he is hurting himself and you, and will lose you. but the louder voice of this psychological addiction is saying .. go on .. just a bit more… she’s just a nag. you deserve it! what’s the harm!?
when my husband got caught out it was like a slap in his face that disturbed the addict equilibrium. he had to make the brutal choice. get clean or lose everything.. job. business, house, family, marriage…end up on the streets and dead in a few months!
if I’m 100% honest i think at first he was just talking the talk amd hoped it would all blow over so he could get back on with it. he had already accepted his fate way back in the addiction that when it inevitably came out that all the cards would fall.
like you debbie i won’t tolerate him on drugs and like you are being so strong, you expect him to take responsibility for dealing with the problem.
i put my husband in touch with ca and they helped save his life. he tells me now he probably wouldn’t have stopped if we hadn’t all basically ganged up on him. he went to several meetings a week for a long time.
it took many months for his active addiction fog to clear so he could see how utterly despicably he has behaved to me, the kids and his business partner.
we had him cornered, if you like!
truthfully, addicts can stop without the ca/meetings. ash is testament to the fact that she has bravely supported her husband through this process.
but the honest and horrible truth is that they have to be willing. they have to want to change. or they won’t manage. it’s so difficult and hard and brutal.
doing the 12 steps did my husband a world of good. many addicts have huge personality issues which are often what leads them into their addiction states. he found out exactly what he needs to change about himself to be a better person.
he is a work in progress though.
his behaviour can relapse.
if his behaviour slips down too far, i think he could relapse.
anyway, that’s enough about me… i hope my ramblings don’t irritate too much and i send lots of love to all of us stuck in these difficult circles x ????
by the way..i don’t really know too much about rehab. i expect it’s expensive as the nhs is unlikely to be able to help. and again the addict needs to be willing!