I’m so sorry that you are living through these fears both of you. My worry is that perhaps I’ve only known my husband on coke. Perhaps he has been on it the whole time and I have been deceived about who I am married too and that I don’t even know the person who hasn’t been on it. I am paranoid that he won’t tell me the truth and that he will be lying – I think that the lying to me is one of the big things as trust only comes with honesty and I don’t want to go through my life not trusting the person that I am married too as you will always be questioning if he is lying as I think it comes too easily to him. In an ideal world I think I would rather be with someone who has never taken drugs to the extent of possible addiction and who was equal with regards to finances. When I was giving the details to the solicitor yesterday with regards to the post nuptial I was thinking she must think I am such a fool (obviously didn’t tell her about the drugs) as I pay for everything and have basically without knowing been funding his drug habit and I have no idea how much in debt he is. I am feeling stronger since we have reconnected but also stronger in my thoughts about what I want. At the moment it is still him but I absolutely know that if it happens again I won’t be there as he has pushed me so so far – this must be about the 6th time he has promised he won’t do it again and each time he has let me down. He also has been going to loo downstairs for a while so I can’t test his wee and must think I am so stupid not to know that he was using again. But I just buried it under the carpet as I didn’t want another blow up but finally I couldn’t take it any longer and asked him if he had been taking it again and he very very easily lied and said ‘of course not – why would you think that’. Anyway we will see what happens this weekend but as you say I need to be calm and non accusatory. xxx
